The Tri-General Tournament

Wikia.com

The Goblet of Electiofire had spurt out the names of the two champions who would participate in the Tri-General tournament. The championship was meant to be contested by three but never had it thrown out more than two names in the previous fifty odd years. 

Champion no. 1 was Reggie from the School of Empowerment. Known for their good looks and charming personalities, Empowerment taught them the magic of words. A string of words that tackled every problem in the world.

Champion no. 2 was Ned from the School of Controversies. Characterized by boldness and aggression they considered themselves Empowerment’s (gulp, the school that is) no. 1 foe. Their forte lay in their magical charms which were all about jingles.

There were no surprises here; the two schools always competed against each other. So the students rose and began to celebrate but all went quiet when they saw the goblet fire up again. Much to their shock, it spat out another name. A third champion would compete for the first time in the history of the Tri-General tournament.

Champion no. 3 was Andy from the latest school on the block, the Muffler School of Magical Arts. Every student in this school was a commoner with nothing but their flying skills to boast about. While they did learn their spells and potions, their strength lay in their magical brooms.

Oh, Andy was an underdog alright, but his flying abilities held everyone in awe. After all he was the boy who lived despite the number of slaps that came his way. Reggie and Ned didn't really care, as far as they were concerned they were the heirs. 

The tournament was made of two tasks. The first being making the spectators dance to their tunes. While the second was to venture far across the Empire, tackling every monster and spell that was thrown at them. The contest was set to take place in two days and a large crowd was expected to turn up. Not only would there be students from all three schools but also folks from all across the Empire. It was going to be the moment of a lifetime for whoever would win.

The three champions had begun their practice.

Reggie didn't really have much to do as his school had one solution for all. “Empowerment and Youth!” that’s all he had to say. He had never questioned what it meant but he knew it sounded magical and well, that was about the only spell he had managed to learn. So he went about muttering the spell and doing little of anything else.

Ned was smug as he watched Reggie mutter around. He knew his school could win the cup this time. All he had to do was recite their latest magical jingle, the spectators would swoon all over him and he could tackle all dragons and monsters thrown his way. 

“Spells I may or may not cast, Ned’s laugh will be the last” he repeated to himself all through the 48 hours that lay in between him and the championship. He was quite confident that his jingle would work, he had already heard a lot of sniggering and chatter each time he recited the lines. Yes, people were already falling for its charm.

Andy practiced as well. He flew his broom around telling one and all that it was now time for the commoner to win. It was now time for spectators in the crowd who sent their children to schools like his to win. That was his secret weapon against the veterans, woo the spectators and wipe off the two old timers with his magical broom.

Finally the championship day dawned. All three stood smug, each convinced of their own win as they walked out into the stadium unprepared for the sight that met their eyes. The stands were full with a crowd like they had never seen before. Jeering and clapping all at once. Andy was overwhelmed to say the least. But Reggie and Ned felt a shiver go down their spine, for the first time they weren't sure who was being jeered and who was being cheered. But before they could react or wonder what to do, a sharp shot rang through the air. 

The Tri-General tournament had begun. 

Masks From The Corporate World

www.washingtoncitypaper.com

My decade long career in IT was a fairly interesting ride. Yes, at times it was grueling and the workaholic in me worked 24X7 without any idea of time. There were days when it frustrated beyond measure, making me question the time and effort I had invested in the field. And then there were times when I felt simply ridiculous about the work I would do. But there were also moments that would make me smile… a simple presentation that went well or the immense faith the boss would place in me, sometimes beyond rationale… but most precious were those moments spent with friends who emerged from colleagues over cups and cups of coffee, Maggi and late night presentation making sessions.

The waters were turbulent at times, making my boat rock through confusion, ambiguity, monotony, frustration and ridicule but then they would turn calm, making it sail smoothly through eureka moments, appreciations, recognition and glorious moments of fun and friendship.  Yes, it was an adventurous ride, no doubt.

But today, almost a year after I decided to take a break from the corporate world, what makes me miss that journey is not just those moments, but the personalities I came across through the sojourn. Sometimes perfect but more often than not tilted, the scale tried to maintain a balance between sense and sensibility on one end and the complete lack of it on the other. No guesses for which side it would mostly tilt towards.

If there was anything I learnt beyond presentation, excel and Visio skills, it was the different shades each person brought into the organization through their behaviour and persona. So here it is; my learning beyond the job description, the one I probably cherish the most from ten years of being just another brick in the corporate wall.

Mr. or Miss Sensible –Always looks for logic and rationale, be it to execute an allotted task or come up with a solution/idea. This one does not believe in working for the heck of it and questions initiatives that do not make sense. The only one of its kind, this is a personality that is usually scattered around the organization and never found in abundance.

The Obedient – “Yes”, “Sure”, “Right now”, “Anytime”, only these words and their synonyms exists in their dictionary. The boss’s word is their command. Whether it makes sense or not is a different matter. If the Boss says it has to be done, it has to be done. Period. No questions asked. Almost every Manager has one following them around. In fact, many managers go out of the way to identify such personalities to be a part of their team.

The Trumpet– As the name suggests, this personality loves to brag. Whether they are really good at their work or not, brag they will. For every small task done, they will ensure the entire office hears about it. It might have been something as trivial as formatting a document. Hell, who cares, I’ll blow my trumpet for anything and everything- That’s the motto.

The Free Rider – You thought you saw the last of them in school? You couldn't be any more mistaken. They swarm around in offices looking extremely busy. Always on the prowl for preys who can do their work, so they can scoot off for a game or two of table tennis. Sometimes it could be arriving for a meeting just as it was closed or feigning excuses of other deliverable's to get away. They work hard to not work and almost always manage to get away with it.

The Chameleon –Sometimes you feel they are your closest friends at work, who understand you and sympathize. The next day you find them contradicting themselves behind your back. They might be good natured and friendly otherwise but in pressing times will resort to anything to avoid a conflict. Backstabbing is a term they are all familiar with. Both, having them as a colleague or as a Boss can be equally daunting. If it is the latter, my best wishes are with you.

Mr. or Miss Gullible - They believe everything they are told. Whoever the source might be, however wrong they may be it doesn't matter. Every word they hear is carved in stone, of course until they hear something else next. Perceptions are formed and firmed based on this acquired knowledge and can go a long way… as far as performance management and R&R as well. Now that’s far isn't it?

The Femme Fatale – Don’t go by the looks, she spells danger wherever she goes. A smooth talker who always knows how to get her way around. Gossip and more gossip is her modus operandi; many a times you will find her seeking out Gullibles to cause maximum damage and create juicer gossip.  Mind you, not all carry the beware sign, the art lies in figuring out the ones who do.

The Whiners–Usually frustrated with almost everything, their work, their boss, their team… name it and you will be greeted with a frown and thousands of lines etched on their forehead. They can crib continuously about their problems, but you will never see them do anything about it. Yes, whining seems to be the preferred solution for all their problems.

The Lazy bums–Smartness and a sound grasping power is their forte but they need a lot more than just that to sit up straight and take notice of what is going on. Unless a challenging situation is thrown at them, they will just laze around. But when you have their attention, work gets done in the blink of an eye.

The Jingoists –Probably a strong term to use but no other word could describe this lot. Always sticking to their own clan, they befriend only those who speak their language; quite literally. Work and abilities really do not matter. Patriotism redefined I say.

The Jargon Guru- They really know it, they really know it not. Nobody really knows. But they sure do know how to create an impression that they do. Using words that will make you run to the management section of the library and weaving “gyaan” around every topic under the Sun, they sure do seem to know it all.Really.

The Directionless Beacons- This lot is confused. They do not know what they are doing in the organization – completely clueless about their work, communication skills and their abilities in general. Despite the naivety, they manage their way up the ladder. I am still figuring out how.

The Postman- This type is found in abundance esp. in the managerial roles. Regardless of what the work is, they forward it to the first name that comes to mind and then conveniently forget about it until the bosses start breathing down their necks. In junior roles, you will find this category overlapping with the free riders.

The Paranoid- Firm believers in Andrew Grove’s philosophy, so much so that they tweak it to meet their needs, these folks are engulfed with suspicion and insecurity; about their jobs and perceptions about them. Often you will find them either busy comparing themselves with every other in the team or worrying about what rating they would get in their appraisals.

The Innocent – Usually the newbies in the team, who are yet to learn the tricks of the trade. They come in eager to learn, only to get confused by the various personalities around them. Some filter well and fit into the shoes of Mr. Sensible while the rest choose the garbs based on the personality they prefer. Nonetheless, none stay innocent for long.

The Adapters- The most versatile of all personalities, this group knows how to not only survive but also grow. Depending on whom they interact, they adapt thus getting along with almost all at the workplace. Street smartness is the trump card hidden up their sleeve. They are quick to recognize different types and work their way around them.

This list is an ever growing one, the more you spend time at your workplace, the more categories you will identify. Often times you will be frustrated; esp. when you see how Mr. Sensible finally gives up when Mr. Gullible and the Femme Fatale get the better of him. Or when the Free riders and Directionless Beacons climb up the ladder faster than you do. Yes, frustrating it shall be.

But years down, when you look back at those days, you will realize that all of them were much needed. To give you those lifelong experiences which would mould your being and help you make the right choices. To learn and to adapt to what is best for you. After all it takes all sorts to make the world.

When The Milk Boiled Over…

Source: philopmartin.info

What happens when a black cat crosses your path? Do you hesitate for that fraction of a second or continue as if nothing had happened? Whichever reaction it might be, I am sure the age old superstition does make its presence felt. Because like it or not, this poor four legged creature and many such beliefs have been entrenched in our subconscious minds for years together. 

It was a Friday when my maid had me stop in my tracks and stare at her with my jaws wide open. Snatching the worn out broom and mop out of my hand as I was about to throw them out, she exclaimed “Medam, aaj Shukravaar hai, aaj nahi fekte!” With glaring eyes she gave me a stare that haunted me even after she left. 

Superstitions have been an integral part of Indian culture since generations. While the logic is questioned all the time, many are said to have taken birth from a sound and scientific reasoning. Cutting nails at night is a strict no in most households, the logic behind this system stems from the lack of lighting back in the old days. Using that nail cutter in relative darkness increased your chances of cutting more than just the nail so night time could not be called auspicious for the activity now could it? Despite the abundance of lights in our houses today, this belief has continued like so many others.

A rare sighting, an eclipse attracts all for a peek whenever they make an appearance. But pregnant women in India are always disappointed. The saying goes that rays emitted during an eclipse are harmful for the fetus. Without any backing of scientific evidence, one would incline towards calling this one a myth; however I wonder how many would actually take the risk of challenging it, hmmm!

While leaving home, the person should never be asked where they are going or their work doesn't get done. Maybe it would have gotten done but now that we believe it can’t, we really cannot expect it to work can we? The same goes for another common belief, the cawing of crows. For the last thirty odd years of my existence I have craned my neck out of the window each time a crow cawed, to look out for those unexpected visitors. Each and every time, the doorbell has remained silent and the crows have earned a glare from me. 

If these aren't enough, there are more to keep us busy. Seeing an elephant is considered auspicious as it is meant to signify Lord Ganesh, if this were to be true, many of us Bangloreans would shift closer to Bannerghatta National Park without a second thought. About us, I don’t know, but real estate tycoons will surely benefit from the elephant sighting. 

Did you know? With your childhood habit of licking off your plate and the bottom of utensils you would be turning into a weatherman (woman) from the future? Doing that would mean the rain gods would bless you with their showers the day you tie the knot. Because a wet knot is difficult to “untie”, no rocket science here. However unbelievable this might seem, a dear childhood friend of mine had to endure a rather wet wedding, no prizes to guess what he did as a child! 

I don’t know about the rest of you but this one has a firm believer in me. Red underwear is meant to bring good luck. Now why would anybody not believe that? Superman wears red underwear period. I rest my case. Well err… we can ignore how he wears it though.

Even Hiccups are not ignored. How often do you hiccup? Not much? Sad, I say! Not too many people think of you. Imagine if you were Arvind Kejriwal right now, you would be hiccuping all day! 

While most superstitions deal with luck, prosperity and health, food is not one to be left behind. Having curd with sugar before an examination is meant to bring luck while a sack full of rice gets spoilt if touched by a woman during her periods. Much powers she has I say, such magic could put Harry Potter to shame.

Speaking of women and menstruation, there could be no other event ridden with superstitions as much as this. Regarded as “impure”, women who are menstruating are not allowed to enter temples and kitchens during “those days”. Pickles turn rotten by her touch, clothes she wears are polluted and the list goes on. Seems like a witch doesn't she? Definitely doesn't sound like the life giving woman that she actually is.

In all of these how can I forget Vaastu. While the directions in which each door of your house should point always depend on Vaastu; imagine eagerly approaching your future-to-be landlord to sign the rental agreement. What could that have to do with Vaastu you think? Everything.  Right from the direction in which we, the brightly eyed tenants were to seat while signing the agreement to which day we should move our luggage based on our birth star…. It was everything about Vaastu. Sigh.

They amuse; well at least most of them. Sometimes they sound downright weird. You wish you could just shake them off and move along… but some of them never let you go. Like the one about “Raahu Kaal”. That time of the day that is considered inauspicious to start anything new or do anything important. Oh, if there is one that I cannot stand it is this. Why you ask? Because I would be its target every time I made an official trip out of town. I would come home to an extremely messy and chaotic house only to be told by the “supposedly” better half that “Raahu Kaal” had been on all throughout the time I wasn't there.  Some people do know how to put superstitions to good use… don’t they?

Bhaag "Aaji" Bhaag

I think I am growing old. No, I don’t just think, I am sure I am growing old. What else can explain those aching bones and a waist that refuses to bend? Every morning I look for those tell tale signs; that graying strand of hair and the almost invisible wrinkle under the eye. Sighs of relief escape me each time I notice their absence. Oh! It gives such a glorious start to my day. 

If only I would stop at that. But no, I love pulverizing whatever is left of my self confidence; I exercise. Ram Dev ji would be so pleased to see how earnestly I roll out the yoga mat and begin the warm ups. I sail through those mind you; it would make Babaji’s chest puff up with pride. But my happiness is short-lived. Always.  If only exercise was about warm ups, life would have been so much simpler don’t you think? But no, the gods have to conspire and make me remember them all through the ordeal they put me through in the name of exercise. 

I began the regime today, like I do every day. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out; I told myself and took the plunge, bending forward with my squealing arms only to topple over. Oh, it was a plunge alright. Next I targeted the back which was behaving as stubborn as ever; I didn't have to spend too long ignoring its screams, before I knew it my legs gave up and I came crashing down.  The body had rebelled, like it did every day. Yeah, I was growing old. 

But the eternal optimist in me wouldn't give up. Today would be different. What is it that old people do to stay healthy and fit? Walk! I pulled on the sneakers and walked around the park next door. Briskly at that. Overtaking each grey haired soul I met. Oh was I happy and gay, the glorious start to my day was back! Should I run next? I wondered rather smugly. But some long lost sense woke up in me and made the head vigorously shake a No. Maybe some other day...

It was time to get home, time to take this wonderful start to the day to an even more beautiful end. I switched on the laptop and had just begun relax when I clicked on this video that brought my world crashing down. This “Aaji” had just come along in her “Navvari” to run over my dreams. 

I slammed back in my seat, hearing a stiff muscle let out a spasm in the process. Stifling a groan; I told myself that it was nothing but age catch… Damn! My favourite excuse had just died a sudden death. There went my track suit and running shoes waiting for next year’s resolution. Err… I mean 2015.

Of Sense and Nonsensability

Courtesy: zcool.com.cn

What does “MS” in “MS Word” mean? Think am off the rocker, eh? Don’t… it is indeed an innocent question stemming from worldly ignorance…

It all started with Bhaskar and me deciding to take a coffee break on a lazy Friday afternoon. We were thinking of beginning the weekend early but lady luck had other plans for us. Just as we began browsing through the movie shows with the rest of the gang we heard a bellowing sound. Praveen, one of the managers we worked with hissed into our ears making us jump out of our skin. “I have been looking for you two all day, where have you been?” That being more a rhetoric, he continued- “There is a strategic presentation that needs to be shipped out ASAP and no one but you two can do the job! There has been a special request to get you’ll to work on this!” We did not miss the genuine fakeness in his flattery, something we had learnt to recognize; “Btw”, Praveen added; “Veena will be working with you on this tonight, I have asked Muthu the designer to hang around too”.

Muthu was a good friend but Veena a complete stranger. We wondered how this manager would be… smart? Arrogant? A delegator?... nothing we imagined could have prepared us for the onslaught that followed.

We returned to our desks to find Veena impatiently waiting. Before we could introduce ourselves she took off “ I am stretched for bandwidth and…”  Bhaskar tried to interject; her displeasure was all to be seen on her already frowning face. “We have to blow the clients away and you have to help me do it!” she cut him. We stared after her open-mouthed as she swaggered out of our bay area.

Shaking our heads we sat down to create the slides. Muthu was working his magic, bringing our points to life using his gift for colours when Veena appeared out of nowhere to “supervise” what we were doing. Mind you she was quite stretched for bandwidth to work with us; after all talking on the phone does take up time doesn’t it?

She (thankfully) ignored us this time and walked straight up to where Muthu was seated. The awestruck look on her face told us that she had never seen graphics in the works before.  “Muthu! This is so beautiful! How did you do this??” Like a school kid excited by the sight of a candy she exclaimed. Muthu happened to be working in Word at that moment. He turned around and said very matter-of-factly “this is just MS Word Veena”.  Veena looked very thoughtful and then seemed to have a Eureka moment “I know what Word is! ... But... but... what is this new thing MS Word??? Is this a new tool in the market used to make such graphics?? It must be!” She said with a smug look on her face.

There was a moment of silence; we stared at each other... Muthu looked like he was struck by the Confundus Charm. Bhaskar and I were trying hard to keep a straight face but he lost the battle and burst out into what seemed like a concoction of a giggle, a snort, a laugh and a cough. Veena immediately turned around sensing something to be wrong. Not understanding what was going on she yelled “Do you want to say something Bhaskar? Come to the conference room next to my cabin, I don’t like doing this in public, we can do it in private!” That was the last straw; both Muthu and I burst out laughing uncontrollably making Veena leave in a huff and turning Bhaskar red with embarrassment.  It took a while for us to get a control over ourselves and get back to work.

An hour later we shipped out the presentation and called it a day; but Veena was nowhere to be seen. As we stepped out, one of our friends called lamenting over us missing the movie and some Friday evening fun... It didn't matter much... after all we did have our share of entertainment... didn't we? ;-)

Kabuli Chana Soup

Sounds interesting eh?

Get a packet of Knorr's Punjabi Chana Masala and just follow the instructions on the back of the packet, you'll get your chana soup, i promise you wont be disappointed!

Thou shall know the truth and nothing but the truth

Courtesy: www.zcool.com.cn

What do Engineering graduates from India do post their graduation?

A)MBA

B)MS

C)A Job

No this is not Derek O’Brien interrogating you unnecessarily nor am I SRK flaunting of the new KBC look. It’s just me thinking aloud.

I would say all three options take an equal share of the pie, but the ones pursuing their Masters be it an MBA or an MS are the ones who get the royal “Oh Wow” treatment. Between the two The US M.S definitely takes the cake.

In India I see engineers doing their MS in the US to be looked at with revere- the senior population are proud of their “climbing the success ladder betas and betis” while their contemporaries look at them, hearts filled with jealousy and envy. After all, going to the US has been termed as the big achievement-managed only by the crème de la crème for many Indians generations now. I was convinced too…until I came to the US.

My US corporate experience as a consultant from an IT offshore vendor to publishing companies has led to a number of over the coffee table conversations with my client side counterparts. One such conversation with P left me feeling disgusted and reproachful.

P decided to play “Spot 10 differences in the picture” game with me that day, the only difference being she had sheets to play with and not pictures. I thought it would be fun and eagerly took the sheets from her. “Ok make that 5 differences and ill take you out for lunch tomorrow” said P. I flashed my “you love me don’t you” smile and turned to the sheets.

Much to my surprise all sheets were spectacularly similar. 2 in fact had the same spelling mistakes. (P had gone the extra length to highlight all)

5 differences? It was hard to fine a single one for crying out loud I thought! All the resumes were so similar. Yes they were resumes.

I turned to P with a puzzled and lost Prof Calculus look on my face. Why do you have so many copies of the same resume I asked? She laughed. The gigantic P laugh which leaves you with a sinking “it’s going to be a looong coffee break” feeling.

“These are the resumes of 5 candidates that I just got from the headhunting agency” said P.

P and her team had just fired a Business Analyst the week before. A Business Analyst who apparently had 7 years of work experience but was yet to figure out what analysis meant. After using me as her punching bag to vent out all her frustrations she called the head hunter and asked him to call the BA back (recruits made through a headhunter cannot be fired directly. The message is sent to him/her through the head hunter).

Guess P was on the prowl for a BA again I thought.

“You know R left right? We need a BA but not someone whose work we have to do!” she started off.

“Ok so these are resumes that you have received for a BA position from the head hunter, but why are they so similar” I asked her.

“You have hit the nail on the head Seeda” she said giving me that rare “I’m proud of you” look. (I turn Seeda from Seeta while I am in the US in case you are wondering about the sudden change in name. Nothing intentional about it mind you :D)

They are all fake don’t you see? Some of them have the same spelling mistakes, the same sentence repeated across resumes. Jeez! I interviewed one candidate over the phone today. He had a few things listed out on his resume. So I thought I would ask him about them. I asked him what “Gap Analysis” was, and he goes “tap tap tap” on his keyboard and recites the definition of Gap Analysis which you get on entering “Define: Gap Analysis” in Google! I did it to actually confirm what he was reciting!” Sense seemed to prevail 20 minutes into the call and he started hitting “Mute” on his phone each time I asked him a question” P seemed to have been waiting all day to meet her punching bag and pour out all her irritation.

“Tell me how is that all these 5 candidates have been working for American Express, Merill Lynch and Lehman Brothers??”

All she expected from her punching bag was a nod of the head. Little did she know how disgusted I was feeling right then…

“There were 2 girls I spoke to” she said. They sounded ok so I called them over for a quick chat today. We asked the first one to write out some requirements and she gives us a paper with gibberish written all over, the second one was honest enough to admit though that some projects mentioned on her resume were projects she didn’t “necessarily” work on.” I wouldn’t fake my resume in a million years! What did they do in their MS? But why would they care, they get the money and that’s all that matters” bellowed P.

The thought had crossed my mind too but I was too ashamed to react. I stared at the resumes in my hand. The bold italicized “M.S” stared back at me.

Needless to say all were Indian.